THE MAGIC JUKEBOX (Excerpt)
BACKGROUND:
The Magic Jukebox is a musical sketch-comedy show I wrote with the Serious Theatre Collective for the 2015 NYCFringe Festival. It did a sold out run, and then was picked up to run for an additional several weeks (more on that here). The conceit of the show was that there had to be a reason for people to break out into song within each sketch—it couldn’t just happen randomly like most musicals. This led to a lot of wild sketches, including an alien invasion where it turns out the aliens can’t hear anything that’s sungs, a service that sends a TLC-style girl group to your man’s house to break up with him on your behalf, an ex-con who is haunted by a barbershop quarter he murdered, and more.
Below is the final sketch of the show, The Dolphin Interpreter. It’s the easiest to understand without actually hearing the music, and I think it shows the zany tone we managed to strike that really hit with the audiences of the fest.
For a pdf version of the sketch, click here.
14. THE DOLPHIN INTERPRETER
CHARACTERS
Squiggles the dolphin
Binky the dolphin
Wavey the dolphin
Sarah the trainer
Jeff the trainer
Seal/ Puppeteer
Stingray/ Puppeteer
LIGHTING CUE: Lights up, full wash of stage
Blue fabric waist high on BINKY, WAVEY, SQUIGGLES, stretches across the stage held by the two PUPPETEERS. The trainers JEFF and SARAH throw the dolphins fish as they swim around the tank, ending their performance.
SARAH
Let’s have a big round of applause for Binky, Squiggles, and Wavey - the stars of today’s show!!!
JEFF
Just one last thing before we go! Our scientists have been hard at work on a special treat! We just can’t wait to share it with you! Now: everyone knows that dolphins sing songs to communicate with one another-
Wavey makes dolphin noise.
JEFF
Well- for the first time ever, we’ve designed a device that translates the dolphin song directly into language that humans can understand!
SARAH
Jeff, this is just so exciting! Is everyone ready???! Ok, turn on the device!
LIGHTING CUE: Lights flicker a little, then back to full wash of stage
SFX: Quick machine coming to life noise
The ambient squeaks of the Dolphins come together in harmony, then Binky steps forward.
BINKY
Every day we wake up and we greet the morning sun,
Sarah and Jeff visit to bring us fish and fun!
The trainers blow the whistle, that’s how we start our day,
We chase the ball and do some tricks, for exercise and play.
But there’s one thought that stays with us, while living in this park,
One thought that gets us through the day,
BAND MEMBER
1...2...3…
BINKY
I wish I was a shark,
I wish I was a shark
BINKY/SQUIGGLES/WAVEY
I wish I was a shark so you would just leave me alone,
I wish I was a shark, I wish I was a shark,
Sometimes it’s almost real, I swear that I can feel,
My teeth crushin’ your bones!
JEFF
(trying to interject)
Ok, well that was--
BINKY
(spoken)
Shut the hell up, Jeff! You owe this to me!
The Trainers back off a little taking the ends of the water fabric to free the Puppeteers.
SQUIGGLES
You know we’re very smart and, it’s just not fucking cool,
(WAVEY/BINKY: Not fucking cool!)
To make us do eight shows a day, inside this filthy pool,
(WAVEY/BINKY: Ew, it’s so gross!)
We know it’s not the ocean, yah, we know that we’re not free!
(WAVEY/BINKY: We’re trapped in here!)
‘Cause dolphins do not mate or breed, while in captivity,
(WAVEY/BINKY: I mean, why would we?)
That’s why we tend to fantasize, we know it’s kinda dark,
‘Bout beady eyes and razor teeth……
SQUIGGLES
I wish I was a shark,
I wish I was a shark,
Shark and Trainer Puppet rise above the water, as the Shark Puppet majestically eats the Trainer Puppet.
SQUIGGLES
I was I was a shark so you’d stop letting children ride me,
(WAVEY/BINKY: Ooooh get ‘em off!)
Yah, I was I was a shark!
I’d love to be a shark!
And while you hold my fin, I’m stifling a grin,
Cause I can feel your flesh inside me!
WAVEY
OH- dolphins we aren’t killers,
Our brains aren’t wired that way,
If you throw a couple fish at us- we’re probably gonna play,
But sometimes we want to rip your throat out and just chew until you’re dead,
If only we were born as sharks the waters of this tank would run so motherfucking red!
BINKY/SQUIGGLES/WAVEY
SO RED!
The Trainers flips the fabric to red, filling the tank with blood and bones.
BINKY/SQUIGGLES/WAVEY
I wish I was a shark,
STINGRAY appears.
LIGHTING CUE: Momentary spotlight or lights brighter downstage left on stingray.
STINGRAY
Get me outta the touch pool!
BINKY/SQUIGGLES/WAVEY
How I wish I was a shark,
SEAL appears.
LIGHTING CUE: Momentary spotlight or lights brighter downstage right on seal
SEAL
Throwin’ pennies is just cruel!
Seal/Puppeteer and Stingray/Puppeteer raise several other Sea Creature Puppets who sway behind them the Dolphins.
ALL
OH we wish that we were sharks,
Oh Lord hear our plea!
We’d love to be sharks,
Can’t be be scary vicious sharks?
Bloody killer sharks,
It’s all we want to be!
Binky, Wavey, Squiggles step forward, sea creature puppets crowd in behind.
BINKY
Except for when we...uhhh
(makes sex gesture)
WAVEY
Yah, Dolphins bone for fun...
BINKY
Not just for procreation...
(to audience)
‘Sup ladies.
SQUIGGLES
Yah, that’s the only time...
WAVEY
The only sexy time...
BINKY/WAVEY/SQUIGGLES
That the sharks wish they were me!
BINKY
Also dolphins masturbate with live eels! Google it! Thank you and Goodnight!
LIGHTING CUE: Blackout. Beat. Full wash of stage for curtain call.